Sunday, March 31, 2013

Mighty and the Ring

                                                  Mighty's Easter Gift
                                                        by Wilbur Witt

     In the late nineties a young woman, her three year old son, and two girlfriends were racing across Jonesboro, Arkansas to a Christmas party. They apparently ran through a stop sign, crossing into the path of an SUV, which slammed into the side of their small car, killing the mother, one of her friends, and pitching the baby out through a side window, skidding him across the highway, bouncing him off a chain link fence, finally depositing in a field with two broken legs. 

     His parents were divorced. His father was staying with us in Texas. We got the call at noon, during Christmas dinner. The information was confused, and we were sure little Michael was dead, as was his mother. I stayed back in Texas to maintain the house, but everyone else rushed to Arkansas. When they got there the doctors told them that the baby, while being scraped up a bit, and with two broken legs, was going to be fine. There was no logical explanation as to how he got out of the car during the impact. The doctors said he just flew across that highway like Mighty Mouse. The baby became known as "Mighty."

     Mighty's dad became a police officer. Later he would go to the Middle East to fight terrorists as a private contractor, and remains there to this day. We raised Mighty in the big house at Berry Creek. He walked slightly bow legged, due to his injuries, and he loved to eat. In later years it was hard to get that boy up for school, and if you didn't stay right on him he'd miss that bus every time. 

     Our family was Catholic. In the second year of my marriage to Mighty's grandmother I had become Catholic. I wanted the four boys we were raising to have a good moral structure, and I found that attending Mass provided for that need. My boys fell right into the flow of the church. They had Father Everette, and all the people there, and Sunday was actually fun. 

     Years and tears went by, my son Bobby died, Timmy turned to drugs and went to prison, Wilbur did well in the Navy, but he lived in California so we rarely saw him, and Michael went over to Afghanistan to find Bin Laden. As you already know, Jackie came and went, and between my wife's heart attack, and Jackie's legal problems the family was devastated. 

     We hardly noticed little Mighty quietly growing up, not attracting much attention to himself. He loved to run up to the Country Club where there was a concession stand that served burgers outside, and Mighty had an open account  I had been very strong in my faith, but after all that happened I fell away. I still believed in God, but all the trappings of the Church were not as important to me anymore. I never questioned what had happened, I just adjusted and went on. 

     Mighty eventually moved into his father's new house about sixty miles away. While his dad worked his job overseas, he lived with his dad's girlfriend. He began to go to the Church. Then, quietly, he began to take his classes. Last night, he brought the family together to witness his confirmation. They all stopped and watched as Mighty made his mark on the family.  During that ceremony, he showed my now ex-wife a ring. I wasn't there. Im very distant from the family now, and haven't been to church in years. The ring he showed her was a simple thing. A little silver thing with a cross on it. He told her, "Grandpa gave me this when I was a little boy. I saved it for this day." Then, he slipped it onto his finger. I don't really know where that ring came from. During the confusion of that awful Christmas it wound up on my desk.  I had never seen it before, but i kept kept it in a desk drawer until the boy was old enough to keep up with it because I suspected that someone else had worn it on that eventful day so long ago in Arkansas. 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I Pooped Myself

                                                          GrandPeople

     Grandchildren can be a very fulfilling part of your life. Their joy, playfulness, and love fills your Autumn years, so why is it so stressful?  Where do they find the capacity to inflict insanity in an otherwise docile old person? I have come up with some things that run you to the edge. If you're a grandparent you will recognize them all. 

Repeat, repeat, repeat. . . 

     Two year olds are just figuring out language. There is a lot of baby talk, but they are becoming aware of the importance that communication plays in their lives. Two issues; they still talk 80% baby talk, and they don't think YOU understand anything so every statement or request is verbally Xeroxed. 

     Ishiguro wanna anny

     What?  

     Ishiguro wanna anny

     What?

     ISHIGURO WANNA ANNY!

     NO!

     No is the only answer you can give in a situation like this. This doesn't stop the inquiry, however. It will continue for maybe eight hours. 

So and so is doing this or that to me

     Always remember that you are the high court. As such you have to hear all complaints against all grand people against all other grand people. There is only one designation. Class A felony. There is no pardon, no parole, and no appeal. The accuser wants justice they can watch, which is high entertainment. After justice is administered you can expect counter charges. 

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. 

     You must give children water, there are laws. When you give five grandchildren water it is no less than Moses parting the Red Sea. There are threeboptions: Option A) Give one big drink for them to pass around. Are you a fool? Forget about germs, they're already sharing them. No measured amount is ever fair. "SHARE, SHARE, SHARE," you will scream until you choke, but possession is 100% of the law in the grand people civil code. Grab, drink, drink, drink as fast as you can, can't touch me, I'm Aqua-Man!  This has all the others spinning and crying. B) Separate drinks for all. Give them only clear water, and put them in a room that you intend to shampoo. C) Give up in disgust and throw the water into the back yard. 

I go potty. 

     They crap ALL the time. When one goes they all immediately feel the urge and the simple logic that only one person can only sit on a toilette at one time does not play into it. This invariably elicits screams from the bathroom. I hate the sound of the word, "Paaaaa Paaaaaa!" A bath used by grandchildren cannot have soaps, toilette paper, water, rugs, or towels in it. These things are provided as needed. Also try not to have small kittens around. They fit into a commode. I know!

I pooped myself. 

     In time you will learn to appreciate the smell, and texture of crap. It's sort of like learning to eat Sushi. You know it's actually stupid, but everyone does it. A two year old in potty training is like running a blender with the lid off, if you can picture the lid being on the bottom. Sometimes they will make it, but these times are not so numerous that reliable statistics can be drawn. And I have read all the methods used to potty train. Ignore these. These people are all liars. What will happen is one day you'll just notice they use they toilette, and you will never know how you did it. Until that day you had just better accept that for the time being your life is crap. 

Meals.

     OMFG!  Never, NEVER seat grand people within striking distance of each other at meal time. And forget about equal portions. A Crack Dealer with a postal scale cannot measure meals with the accuracy required to satisfy these people. And don't give them water! Do that later. My grand daughter, Puck, is a diabetic so she gets the "unfair" plate. She has developed a lizard's tongue, and can snap a potato from a plate at two yards. 

Nap time.

     There is no hope. They only sleep when they knock each other out. YOU will fall asleep before they do. May God have mercy on you if this happens. My twins can remove a full sized door and pull down a ceiling fan if given just a little uninterrupted time. When you wake you will not believe. The solution?  Handcuffs. 

     Eventually the parents will show up. They have to. That's the law. They may ask you if you're doing anything that night. LIE! Then they have to take the grand people with them, and you can then tell everyone how wonderful it is to have grandchildren.